Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Recruit Others to Manipulate, Control, and Silence Victims

Narcissistic abuse is not something that happens in a vacuum. Usually it involves people who help the narcissist manipulate and control their victims. These people are often called "flying monkeys".

They can be anyone. Family members, friends, people you work with, someone you're in a relationship with or even strangers who get pulled into the narcissist's games. Some of these flying monkeys know what they are doing while others think they are helping someone they care about. Either way, what they do can really hurt the people who are being abused.

For people who have been through this, the fact that others are involved can be very painful. It is not just the narcissist who hurts them. Also people they trusted. This can make them feel confused, unsure of themselves, and alone. Like they cannot trust anyone.

Understanding what flying monkeys are and how they work is a part of healing from narcissistic abuse. When you know what to look out for, you can protect yourself better set boundaries and start to feel okay.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys are people who do things to help manipulate and control someone. They might:

• Spread rumors about the victim

• Give messages from the narcissist to the victim

• Try to get the victim to go back to the narcissist

• Say that the narcissist's bad behavior is not a deal

• Gather information about the victim

• Help spread lies about the victim

• Make the victim feel like they are crazy or wrong

• Make the victim feel guilty or doubtful

Not all flying monkeys know what they are doing. Some are in on it. Know they are helping the narcissist while others are tricked into thinking they are helping a friend or family member.

The problem with flying monkeys is that they make the narcissist's abuse stronger. Of just dealing with one person who is being mean, the victim has to deal with a lot of people who are all saying the same thing.

The Origin of the Term Flying Monkeys

The term "flying monkeys" comes from the story The Wizard of Oz. In the story the bad witch has some monkeys that do what she says. They are like her helpers. People who have been through abuse started using this term to describe people who help the narcissist. It makes sense because flying monkeys do not think for themselves. They just do what the narcissist wants. Today a lot of people use this term to talk about people who help with manipulation and abuse. It is not a term that psychologists use, but it is a good way to describe what happens in toxic relationships, families that are dysfunctional, workplaces that are mean and situations where someone is being controlled.

Why Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys

Narcissists want to look good to people. They want everyone to think they are great. When someone says something bad about them, they get their flying monkeys to defend them. The flying monkeys help the narcissist keep up their image by saying bad things about the person who criticised them. Narcissists also like to be in control. When the victim starts to set boundaries or pull away, the narcissist gets the flying monkeys to pressure them into coming. This way the narcissist can still control the victim even when they are not around. Sometimes narcissists start smear campaigns to hurt the victim's reputation. The flying monkeys help by spreading lies or mean stories about the victim. The goal is to make the victim look bad so that no one believes them. Narcissists need people to admire them and agree with them. The flying monkeys give them the attention and validation they crave. When someone confronts the narcissist about their behaviour, they often deny it or blame someone else. The flying monkeys help by saying that the abuse was not a deal or that the victim is the one who is crazy. This way the narcissist does not have to take responsibility for what they did. Flying monkeys might also gather information about the victim. They might ask questions about the victim's life, relationships or plans. Then use that information to manipulate or control them. Finally, narcissists use flying monkeys to isolate their victims. By turning the victim's friends and family against them, the narcissist can make the victim feel alone and helpless. This makes it harder for the victim to get help or leave the situation.

How Narcissists Get Others to Help Them

Playing the Victim

One way they do this is by making people think they are the ones who are being treated unfairly. The narcissist might say they've been treated badly or that people don't understand them or that they've been abandoned. When people only hear one side of the story, they might feel like they need to defend the criticised.

For example:

• A narcissistic parent might tell their family that their adult child is being mean and ungrateful just because the child is setting boundaries.

• The family members might then try to get the child to reconnect with the parent without understanding whats going on.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when someone makes you question your reality. Narcissists might make others think the victim is making things up or lying. This can make flying monkeys dismiss the victims' concerns.

For example:

• A narcissistic partner might tell their friends that their ex is "making things up" and "remembering things wrong".

• The friends might then start to doubt the victims' experiences.

Guilt Tripping

Guilt is an emotion.

Narcissists might make themselves seem like they're suffering and encourage others to pressure the victim into doing what they want.

For example:

"Your mother is really sad. She cries every day because you won't call her."

This makes the victim feel responsible for the narcissist's emotions.

Triangulation

Triangulation is when a narcissist gets people involved in their conflicts. This creates confusion and division. Instead of dealing with issues directly, the narcissist uses others to control the conversation.

Fear Tactics

Some flying monkeys are motivated by fear.

They might think that if they don't cooperate with the narcissist they'll be the target.

Fear can be especially powerful in families and workplaces where the narcissist has a lot of power.

Rewards and Favoritism

Narcissists often reward people who're loyal to them.

Flying monkeys might get attention, praise or special treatment.

These rewards make them more likely to keep enabling the narcissist.

Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is when someone uses fear, guilt and obligation to control others. The narcissist might make it seem like supporting them is the only moral or compassionate thing to do.

Manipulation Through Sympathy

Some people are naturally very empathetic. This can make them vulnerable to manipulation. A narcissist might present themselves as a victim. Encourage others to defend them. Unfortunately, meaning people can become flying monkeys without realising they're participating in abuse.

What Flying Monkeys Do

Flying monkeys do a lot of things to help the narcissist.

• They might spy on the victim. Report back to the narcissist about the victim's life.

• They might defend the narcissist. Dismiss reports of abuse.

• They might pressure the victim to forgive or reconcile with the narcissist.

Why People Become Flying Monkeys

Many people assume that flying monkeys are intentionally mean. The truth is, their motivations can vary.

• Some people cooperate because they're afraid of what the narcissist might do.

• Others might be loyal to the narcissist. Feel like they need to prioritise harmony.

• Some people might be influenced by peer pressure. Feel like they need to fit in.

Understanding these motivations doesn't excuse behaviour. But it can help survivors realise that the problem isn't with them. It's with the dynamics surrounding the narcissist.

Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Families

Family systems often provide an environment for flying monkey behaviour. Relationships are emotional and long-standing.

Golden Child Dynamics

The golden child often is. Protected by the narcissistic parent. They might be encouraged to defend the narcissist and criticise family members.

The golden child might:

• Repeat the narcissist's narrative

• Spy on siblings

• Report information

• Defend abusive behavior

• Participate in family scapegoating

Scapegoat Dynamics

The scapegoat is often blamed for family problems. When a scapegoat questions family dysfunction, flying monkeys might pressure them to be silent.

Common accusations include:

• Being selfish

• Causing family drama

• Refusing to forgive

• Breaking family unity

Family Roles

Dysfunctional families often assign roles. These roles help maintain dynamics.

Examples include:

• The hero

• The fixer

• The caretaker

• The peacekeeper

• The golden child

• The scapegoat

Flying monkey behaviour often develops when family members prioritise preserving these roles over confronting abuse.

Intergenerational Abuse

Patterns of enabling and manipulation often pass from one generation to the next. A grandparent might have enabled behaviour in a parent. The parent expects their children to do the same. Without awareness and healing, these patterns can continue for decades.

Enabling Behaviors

Family flying monkeys often justify abuse with statements like:

"That's how they are."

 "Family comes first."

"You should be grateful."

 "Don't upset them."

These messages minimise harm and place responsibility on the victim.

Flying Monkeys in Romantic Relationships

Flying monkeys are not limited to family dynamics. They often appear in relationships, especially after a breakup. When a narcissistic relationship ends, the narcissist might feel a loss of control. Flying monkeys can become tools for regaining control.

 Mutual Friends

Mutual friends might be pressured to choose sides. The narcissist might share information or exaggerate conflicts.

New Romantic Partners

A partner might be recruited into the narcissist's narrative. The narcissist might describe the partner as crazy or abusive.

Post-Breakup Harassment

Flying monkeys might continue contact long after the relationship ends. They might send messages or relay guilt trips.

Flying Monkeys in Divorce and Custody Disputes

Divorce can intensify flying monkey activity. When narcissists feel their image, finances or parental control are threatened, they might recruit supporters.

Extended Family Pressure

Relatives might pressure the victim to drop actions or reconcile.

Character Assassination

Flying monkeys might spread claims. They might accuse the victim of instability or parental incompetence.

Child Manipulation

Children might be exposed to narratives about one parent. This creates conflict and strains parent-child relationships.

Flying Monkeys in the Workplace

Workplace narcissists often rely on flying monkeys. They use them to strengthen their influence and protect their reputation.

Toxic Bosses

A narcissistic manager might recruit employees to monitor coworkers or spread rumours. Employees who comply might receive treatment.

Workplace Bullying

Flying monkeys can participate in workplace bullying. They might exclude colleagues or undermine achievements.

Flying Monkeys and Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists often rely heavily on flying monkeys. Their manipulation tends to be indirect.

Hidden Manipulation

Covert narcissists rarely appear aggressive. They manipulate others behind the scenes.

Victim Narratives

A covert narcissist often tells stories that portray them as unfairly treated. Supporters might rush to defend them without realising they are being manipulated.

Signs Someone Is a Flying Monkey

Recognising the warning signs can help survivors protect themselves.

Here are 20 common indicators:

• They consistently defend the narcissist.

• They dismiss your experiences.

• They pressure you to forgive.

• They repeat the narcissists' talking points.

Red Flags in Conversations

Flying monkeys often use phrases. Understanding these statements can help you identify manipulation.

 "They Didn't Mean It That Way."

 "You're Too Sensitive."

 "You Need to Let It Go."

Are Flying Monkeys Aware of What They Are Doing?

The answer varies. Some flying monkeys fully understand what they are doing. Others genuinely believe they are helping. Many flying monkeys are themselves under the narcissist's influence. Fear, guilt, obligation and emotional dependency can cloud their judgement. Understanding the differences between relationships can help survivors decide which ones can be fixed and which ones need boundaries.

Can people who help narcissists hurt others too?

Yes. People who help narcissists often take part in situations, but many eventually realise that being loyal to a narcissist is only useful sometimes. Narcissists usually care about people based on how useful they are, not how much they respect them. As long as someone helps a narcissist, they might get approval or special treatment. However, when they start questioning the narcissist or setting boundaries, they can quickly become targets.

Many people who used to help narcissists report experiencing:

• Manipulation

• Blame shifting

• Gaslighting

• Smear campaigns

• Treatment

• Social exclusion

This often makes them realise that the narcissist was never truly invested in the relationship. Some individuals become supporters of survivors after recognising how they were manipulated.

Their change usually starts with being more aware of themselves and willing to look at truths.

The Psychological Impact on Victims

Abuse from people who help narcissists can be very damaging because it feels like many people are hurting them. Many survivors describe it as being attacked from all directions.

Anxiety

Victims often become anxious about interactions or social situations. Constant uncertainty can make it hard to relax or feel safe.

Depression

The loss of relationships and support systems can make people feel sad, hopeless and lonely.

Hypervigilance

Survivors often become highly alert to signs of criticism or manipulation. This heightened awareness can be emotionally exhausting.

CPTSD Symptoms

Repeated emotional abuse may lead to symptoms associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, including:

• Emotional flashbacks

• Chronic self-doubt

• Shame

• Difficulty trusting others

• Persistent fear

Victims may start to doubt themselves and their character.

How to Deal With Flying Monkeys

Recovery starts with understanding that you can't control what others think. What you can control is how you respond.

1. Know What They Are

Learning about flying monkeys is empowering. When you recognise their behaviour, it's easier to avoid taking their words. Their actions often reflect the narcissist's influence, not reality.

2. Trust Your Intuition

Survivors are often taught to doubt themselves. Learning to trust your observations and experiences is crucial for healing. If an interaction feels manipulative, pay attention to that feeling.

3. Strengthen Your Sense of Self

Developing an identity makes you less vulnerable to external validation and criticism. Helpful practices include:

• Journaling

• Therapy

• Self-reflection

• Personal development

• Building relationships

4. Set Boundaries

Boundaries protect your well-being.

Examples include:

• Limiting communication

• Refusing topics

• Ending conversations

• Blocking inappropriate contact

5. Stop Over-Explaining

Many survivors feel compelled to defend themselves. Unfortunately, people who help narcissists often aren't seeking understanding. Over-explaining may provide opportunities for manipulation.

How to Protect Yourself From Flying Monkeys

Documentation

Keep records of interactions when necessary.

Documentation may include:

• Emails

• Text messages

• Social media messages

• Written notes

Accurate records help maintain clarity during confusion.

When Flying Monkey Behavior Becomes Harassment

Sometimes flying monkey behaviour crosses the line from manipulation into harassment. Examples may include:

• Defamation

• Workplace Harassment

• Cyberbullying

• Stalking Behaviors

When behaviours become persistent or threatening, documentation becomes especially important.

Can Flying Monkeys Change?

Change is possible. It requires genuine self-awareness and accountability. Self-awareness is key. People must first recognise the role they played in situations.

Rebuilding After Flying Monkey Abuse

Healing is possible.

Many survivors emerge from these experiences with self-awareness, resilience and emotional strength.

Therapy

Working with a therapist can help process betrayal, trauma and relationship patterns.

Self-Worth Recovery

Recovery involves reconnecting with your strengths, values and identity. Practice self-acceptance. Recognise that another person's narrative does not define your worth.

Healing From Abuse and Social Manipulation

Healing requires more than escaping toxic relationships. It involves rebuilding your relationship with yourself. Consider focusing on the following:

• Self-Validation

• Emotional Freedom

• Healthy Relationships

• Personal Growth

• Future Boundaries

There may be setbacks, grief, anger and moments of uncertainty. However, every step toward self-awareness and healing helps weaken the influence of abuse.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is a flying monkey in narcissistic abuse?

A flying monkey is a person who assists a narcissist by supporting manipulation, spreading misinformation, defending abusive behaviour, or pressuring a victim.

2. Why do narcissists use flying monkeys?

They use flying monkeys to maintain control, protect their image, gather information, and avoid accountability.

3. Are flying monkeys always aware of their actions?

No. Some knowingly participate, while others are manipulated into supporting the narcissist.

4. Can family members become flying monkeys?

Yes. Family members are among the most common flying monkeys in narcissistic family systems.

5. What is the difference between a flying monkey and an enabler?

A flying monkey actively participates in the narcissist's agenda, while an enabler may support harmful behaviour indirectly.

6. Can flying monkeys become victims?

Yes. Many eventually experience manipulation or mistreatment from the narcissist themselves.

7. How do I protect myself from flying monkeys?

Set boundaries, limit information sharing, document interactions, and strengthen your support system.

8. Should I explain myself to flying monkeys?

Usually, repeated explanations are ineffective. Focus on boundaries and emotional protection.

9. Can flying monkeys damage my reputation?

Yes. They may participate in smear campaigns or spread misinformation.

10. How can I identify a flying monkey?

Look for patterns such as defending the narcissist, invalidating your experiences, and relaying information.

11. Why do flying monkeys defend narcissists?

Fear, loyalty, conditioning, manipulation, and social pressure often play a role.

12. Can friendships recover after someone acts as a flying monkey?

change, they can overcome their challenges. mes, if the person develops awareness, takes responsibility, and demonstrates genuine change.

13. Is blocking flying monkeys ever appropriate?

Yes. When interactions become harmful, blocking or limiting contact may support emotional well-being.

14. What role does gaslighting play?

Gaslighting helps convince flying monkeys that the victim's experiences are inaccurate or exaggerated.

15. Can therapy help survivors recover?

Yes. Therapy can support healing, self-validation, emotional regulation, and healthy relationship development.

Conclusion

Flying monkeys play a role in many abusive situations involving narcissists. They help narcissists stay in control by spreading information defending bad behaviour, collecting info and pressuring victims.

This helps victims understand what is happening. When people who have been abused realise what flying monkeys are doing, they can set limits, protect their feelings and regain their sense of identity.

Healing does not mean getting everyone to believe you. It means trusting yourself, putting your health first and making friends with people who treat you with respect and are genuine.

At Abuse Rehab, getting better is not just about getting through the abuse. It is about finding your strength, getting your confidence back and making a future that is not controlled by someone else.

Every time you set a boundary, tell the truth and take a step towards healing; it shows how strong you are.